Browse Professor Quotes
Because they're annoying!!!.....Please don't put this on the Jolt.
—Prof. Sue Freeman, EDC 347, responding to a student saying how kids with ADHD were found to have been physically abused
I'll use them up until they die and then I'll switch to chalk, which will never die...in theory.
—Professor Tanya Schneider, on whiteboard markers
I don't know how many of you are of drinking age, but if you go to Packard's and order a black-and-tan they'll give you half Guiness and half Harp. It's...quite delicious, actually.
—Floyd Cheung, Intro to American Studies
Do you guys know Kodak? Is that still an important company? I don't know, things change!
—Floyd Cheung, Intro to American Studies
Why arn't you all sitting her masterbating?
—Gary Lehring, GOV 269
"...like a testicle smoothie!"
—Nancy Whittier, SOC 229, explaining about early methods of studying hormones
"Next time you bring a bottle of wine to a friend's dinner party, expect a slave in return."
—Richard Lim, History 204: The Roman Republic.
"English is kind of a slut! It's very friendly!"
—Craig Davis: Old English, trying to explain the variety of this language and how much "borrowed."
"It's like you needed a car payment, and here's a child instead!"
—Richard Lim, History 204: The Roman Republic.
"Quickly kill a dreadfully deformed child! This is worse than bacon and pineapple on pizza!"
—Richard Lim, History 204: The Roman Republic.
"How is a genocide bad, besides killing people?"
—Richard Lim, History 204: The Roman Republic.
Netscape was purchased by AOL, which has lots of problems…
—Porf. O'Rourke, discussing the fall of Netscape
Typhoid Mary did not enroll in this class!
—Susan VanDyne SWG 260, discussing computer viruses
...Dare I say Plato is sleazy?!...
—Gary Lehring, on Plato's Symposium
Some people who hate someone hate themselves. That is why we have shrinks. Some don't. That's why we have cops.
—Jay Garfield, Moodle response
I'm going to get you pregnant just to make you mad!
—Michael Gorra, impersonating Leo Tolstoy
A strong acid goes all the way....those slutty acids.
—Kate Queeney, CHM 111
One person's safe sex is another person's boredom.
—Steve Waksman
When you're drunk, what part of you gets enlarged?
—Bill Oram, Shakespeare (looking for the answer "imagination")
"Man, you guys are such sleazeballs!"
—Howard Gold, in Gov 312, reacting to how the class convinced him to give us the survey results
"If you look at a man and think, 'wow, he'd be a great husband'...yeah, you're still living in a cave."
—Jim Miller, talking about evolution and game theory
"Unless you go to jail. Going to jail totally changes the game."
—Jim Miller, talking about unraveling problems.
I forgot to ask, how was your Halloween? Did you self-flagellate? Oh. That came out wrong.
—Richard Lim, after talking about the cult of Magna Mater and its rituals
It's a company you don't like.
—-Mahnaz Mahdavi, ECO 153, trying to get the class to guess the company she had in mind that employs information technology so successfully is Wal-Mart.
"They can swap out and do each other."
—Tanya Schneider, talking about mixed aldol reactions
Elephants!? Do they like camels?! NO. Camels spit, and are mean. Elephants are like, that does not look like an animal.
—Prof. Mourad, on Arabian warfare
I have just noticed Julie's socks! I want to have them! I thought we might all sing her socks, but that could be awkward.
—Ruth Solie, Analysis and Repertory, upon noticing a student with musical notes on her socks
"I mean, I see tambourine as penis, tambourine as anus, not so much. Tambourine as hymen? Well the membrane is suggestive. Then again, a tambourine can be hollow, so who knows, I guess anus works."
—Michael Thurston, American Studies 202
"If I get swine flu this semester, I'm taking people down with me!"
—Professor Kevin Quashie, AAS 111 Intro to Black Culture
Are you ready to smell some quizzes?
—Professor Lim
Is Spain better off in this case? No, it's not, because it's Portugal.
—Charles Staelin, describing a model where he kept saying Spain when he meant Portugal
Holland, a country where everyone just sits and smokes marijuana now, once sucked the blood of the world.
—Professor Mourad, on the colonization of Indonesia
I didn't get a Ph.D to print out your paper.
—Ann Jones, CLT 202, pointing out how a paper handed in via email won't be accepted
When manly men suck, good things happen.
—Gillian Kendall, ENG 120, discussing Dracula
She's displaying the symptoms of an orgasm. Take my word for it - no, I don't mean that!
—Gillian Kendall, ENG 120, discussing Dracula
And no extensions for this. Not even if you're dead.
—Elliot Fratkin, ANT 130, discussing the final paper
"When looking at the attached groups, remember that up is always up."
—Robert Linck, at an exam review session
To me, this looks like a monkey went crazy at the keyboard.
—Nick Horton, referring to a gene sequence shown in the New England Journal of Medicine
It's also a phallic symbol...here, have a snake...
—Gillian Kendall on the strange gift choices in 17th century poetry
"J. Edgar Hoover was not in his life a great civil libertarian. That is probably the greatest understatement you will hear in your four years at Smith"
—Marc Lendler, Pathologies of Power
"In case you don't know, Carville is the bald one, and Stephanopoulos is the cute one. --That's my opinion, anyway."
—Howard Gold, Elections, during a showing of 'The War Room'
"Security, security, security. It's one of those words that, when you say it enough times, it starts to sound funny."
—Greg White, International Politics
"One of the reasons debates don't matter as much as junkies and pundits think-- I mean, political junkies..."
—--Howard Gold, Gov 208
"It's a very visceral scene where all of them are fighting and one of them is dead."
—--Bill Oram, Shakespeare
"[L'Union du Maghreb arabe] is a crappy organization. It doesn't work for beans. ...I just said "crappy" during a lecture."
—Greg White, Gov 241
May I please burn this into your brains?
—Professor Keyler, GER 220, discussing prepositional phrases
"Now remember, I don't want to have to talk to the FBI about any of you."
—Tim Ruback, first day of GOV 245
"or genital excretions... if you consume genital excretions then yes, that would be an example of sufficient causal relation" - Al Mosley, Logic 101
—Al Mosley, Logic 101 on sufficient and casual relations
In all seriousness, though, it's really not funny. Somebody was missing a toe somewhere.
—Alice Hearst, GOV 202, when mentioning a lawsuit where someone found a human toe in a tin of chewing tobacco
Well yes...preschool can be very Lord Of The Flies
-in refrence to normative behaviour vs. conduct disorder
—DiBartolo
I have a doctorate, I don't have to lower the blinds. (Sits in chair while a student lowers the blinds.)
—Professor Armstrong-Fumero, ANT 233, when preparing for a powerpoint lecture
"After May 5th, no extensions. Not even if you're dead."
—Prof. Elliot Fratkin, discussing the final paper
In English, you say 'I smell at the paper', yes?
—Professor Keyler, German 220
Darcy Buerkle: Okay, how many of you are sick already?
Everyone in the front row raises their hands.
Darcy Buerkle: Oh, thank you all for sitting so close to me.
—Darcy Buerkle, HST 253
Student: He feels so convicted and strong.
Howard Gold: Convinced. He hasn't been convicted yet.
—On George Bush.
All this to say, yes, your Professor is on drugs.
—Professor Thurston, on functioning under the effects of Nyquill
What idiot wrote this syllabus? I can hardly keep up!
—Pat Skarda, Telling and Retelling
Yes, two FBI agents came to my door, but at that time in my life that was not unusual.
—-Marc Lendler, discussing a note in his FBI file.
That was just malice on my part.
—--Pat Coby. It doesn't really matter what it was for.
It's about that time when you should all be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is the light of an approaching train.
—Pat Skarda, addressing midterms
En la epoca de Franco, los conejos no podian tener relaciones sexuales.
In translation: During the reign of Franco, rabbits could not have sexual relations.
—Estela Harretche, An example of a hypothesis for our midterm project
...Thinking up a name, Nieuwkoop comes to mind. We'll call it the Nieuwkoop center. Ok? Cuz I LIKE that word!
—Michael Barresi, when explaining dorsal/ventral fates in the embryo THREE DAYS AFTER HIS SON WAS BORN. Developmental Biology
Did I just say that? Did I actually just say that at the point of sperm entry, you are going to ultimately know your head from your ass? Is that what I said? Right at the point of fertilization? That seems a little...that seems a little...crazyness!! But let's just go with it, and see if the crazyness becomes reality.
—Michael Barresi, when explaining dorsal/ventral fates in the embryo THREE DAYS AFTER HIS SON WAS BORN. Developmental Biology
Now, who can date Abraham? Actually, I guess in a room like this a better question is, who wants to date Sarah?
—Justin Cammy, JUD 187
You know flatulence is flammable, but don't try it! Sometimes there is a backlash, and since most people don't shave down there, it can get pretty painful.
—Professor Newlin, side comment in class
"You're going to get negative utility... because your bladder is only so big."
—Deborah Haas-Wilson, explaining 'utility' of Pepsi
"That's humor in economics. ...forgive us."
—Deborah Haas-Wilson, after an economics joke that wasn't well-received
They're like Who Wants to be a Millionaire. ...without the lifelines.
—Deborah Haas-Wilson, in reference to taking online quizzes
There are too many balls hanging from it. Try it at home with something long and swingy.
—Mary Murphy, in reference to using her earring as a pendulum
—Ellen Kaplan, on "The Sea Gull"
Adam Sandler is a HOMOPHOBIC JERK!!!!! *giggles*
—Daniel Rivers, SWG 200, on queerness in movies
"Well, I'd look good for my age too if all I did was sit in a cabinet and have someone pour oil on me! Wait...that came out wrong."
—Esteban Monserrate, when talking about microscopes in lab
—Patrick Coby, Gov 261, discussing definition of happiness
So while the Democrats thought they just had to sit there and smile, the Republicans basically said, 'Don't trust them, you'll DIE.'
—Marc Lendler, GOV 200, on the 2004 presidential election campaigns.
It's hard to be a flexible virgin.
—Prof Scot Bradbury, CLS 227 Mythology
I think you should all insist on good conversation, as well as good sex.
—Professor Floyd Cheung, English 233
What you don’t want to hear [from a doctor] is hmmmm… don’t know what that is… I've never seen anything like this before… Haha, sorry, I was thinking of Seinfeld.
—Professor Freeman, EDU 347
There is something about your site that is a lot like Evelyn's armpit...
—Paola Ferrario, comparing one student's website to a close-up photo of a human arm on another student's site.
It's amazing what you can get used to if you don't die
—Chris Overtree, Abnormal Psychology
So if you go home and have sex with your dog....whose business is it? Will the dog protest?
—Albert Mosley, PHI 246: Race Matters: Philosophy, Science, and Politics
Engineering is like going to the Marines.
—Prof. Horton speaking to engineering students.
It's not like really a class . . . it's a way of life.
—Professor Scott Bradbury, Latin 100y: on the last day of class, commenting on the year spent together and the strong bonds formed.
But you don't know how cute my outfit is if you're just drifting off!
—Susan Van Dyne, SWG 150 to someone in our class who was falling asleep
Turns out there's a lot of calculus in Connecticut! ... Kinetics. I mean kinetics. How many days left?
—Prof. Queeney, CHM 332
The problem with feminism is that women don't have enough firearms.
—Paola Ferrario, Digital Media, in response to a conversation about men who tell women what's wrong with feminism.
Remember, the honor code applies to this quiz. This is between you and God...and she'll be watching.
—Prof. Esteban Monserrate, BIO 110, Bacteria: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
He was also a wife murderer. Okay, fine. That's another thing he did.
—Jefferson Hunter, FLS 245, on a Browning monologue
It's the plants that keep you from being barefoot and pregnant.
—Professor Rob Nicholson, BIO 106: Economic Botany, (explaining the importance of hormones and latex derived from plants)
When I did not learn to walk right away, my mother feared mental retardation, as many parents do. As it turns out, I was actually just a fat, lazy kid that really liked to sit around.
—Patty Dibartolo, Child Clinical Psychology, on "Childhood mental retardation"
Why the prejudice against eunuchs? What is it others have thaty they don't have?
—Professor R. Lim, History 201, The Ancient Silk Road
What a classy group of Americans!
—Jefferson Hunter, FLS 245, on discovering students that have heard of Alan Bennett.
Marshmallows are not alive--are they?
—Prof. Lucy Mule, EDC 343: Multicultural Education
I have a perceptual experience about the table and we have to decide if it is ineffable or effable. (laughs from class). I am lost. Why is this funny?
—Jay Garfield, History of Tibetan Philosophy, Philosophy 330
Were you able to download the picture of the demagogue? He's so cute!
—Prof. Lucy Mule, EDC 343: Multicultural Education
So even though the Love Feast isn't about erotic love, when you put it like that it sounds too good to miss.
—Richard Lim, HST 205 on Roman misinterpretation of Christian rituals
So, if you strapped the goddess [dildo] into a harness, would that make it queer?
—Nancy Whittier, SWG312. discussing whether or not sex toys can be "queer" or if they're just "gay"
—Professor Patey, ENG 170
I'm pretty sure at least a few of you are heterosexual
—Professor Dickie Wallace, Intro to Anthropology while talking about gender and sexuality
Punctuation isn't sexy!!!
—Professor Douglas Paty, English 170: The English Language
Those who can't dance... watch trees dance.
—Sharon Seelig, Milton
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